So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
