I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
