Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
