Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize