You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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