I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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