I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
