Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
