Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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