My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
