D3 body, D1 cock
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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