I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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