absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
