I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize