dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
