Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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