my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
pop tarts are not kleenex
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize