I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
