so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
