$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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