So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
