walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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