Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
