I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
