Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
