I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
