I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize