If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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