the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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