You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
