9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
