im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
