I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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