that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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