the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize