peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
