Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
