I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm passing your future prison.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
