Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
