wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
