So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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