i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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