I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
