I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Two words: blizzard sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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