you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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