I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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