it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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