i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
