sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
