I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize