Me too!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
