I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
