Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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