I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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