a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
