When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
