i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
