just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
