We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
