Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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