the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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