I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
